Speak Your Truth

"Speak your truth.
I think it is really important to speak your truth."

I was just talking to my friend about how much I appreciated her never giving up at trying to explain her belief in church to me; even when I repeatedly and vehemently refused to even consider that church might be a good place to go or a good thing to have in my life.  She would always tell me the blessings she associated with going to church and would state her desire for me to find that same blessing at church, "any church!" I finally realized, (yeah...two years later...) that she was very courageous and steadfast in her faith to put up with me all the times I told her I didn't believe in church or in going to church; that I believed God is with you everywhere you are because He lives within you.  I know I frustrated her with how many times, and how forcefully I refused to even consider going to church.  The one time I finally realized I was being insufferable to her and she was maybe on the brink of giving up was when the topic came up again while we were walking in Colorado.  I don't remember what the exact topic was but I remember her frustrated reply: "Never mind! You don't understand!"  I realized at that moment that maybe, just maybe, she might be right, and maybe I was being the one thing I always said I would never be--closed minded.

As I was telling her thanks for not giving up and keeping on talking about what she believed about church and every once in a while encouraging me to go to church, she said just what I needed to hear at this moment.  She said she never looked at my rejections of church in that way, she just saw it as a need to speak her truth to me whenever the subject came up.

This has been the lesson I've been needing to learn lately, although I hadn't known it until she spoke those words to me.  "Speak your truth.  I think it's really important to speak your truth."

I've always been of the mind frame that people will believe what they want to believe and nothing you say will ever change their minds; so why even explain your thinking? Why not just live your life and let others live their lives as they will?  If they want to know the reason behind why I do something I do, they can ask me and I'll tell them.  Otherwise, I would not be offering unsolicited explanations.

So the other day I just felt like it was an all around bad day that kept getting worse.  I know it was my fault because one of my strongest beliefs is that no one can make you feel a certain way, good or bad; you let yourself feel that way.

It all started when I went to go pick up a friend of mine who had to leave her car in the shop.  I got there earlier than she had asked me to be there because I knew she was always early.  The first thing she asked me was how I was doing.  At that point I was fine.  This friend is usually positive and open minded  and a lot of fun.  Today, though, she just brought a lot of negativity and I don't know where it came from.  Before I could say "fine" she goes "I know you would like a coffee but you can't have one!" Making a joke about me having to get up early to pick her up.  I laughed with her, maybe I agreed, playing along with the joke.  After all I had told her previously how I felt about coffee.  It was at this point that she really got her dander up about the "no caffeine thing" as she phrased it.  I started telling her it wasn't about caffeine, I didn't think, because some people drink coke and that just amped up her dander even more.  This roller coaster started going downhill faster and faster and it wasn't even 8 a.m.  She "knew what it was all about, Did I want her to tell me?" Then she got into a rant about how the church owns stock in some soda company and how the church is very into making money then her rant went on into tithing and how the church "forced" her brother-in-law to pay tithing by making him a bishop and how she doesn't agree with that because some people cannot afford tithing, they barely make enough to live on. And all I could do was try and soothe her ire.  I probably said something like "well, if you can't afford it, you can't afford it."  I admit, I just tried to not give her anymore ammunition.  Like I said, she is not usually like this and I was flabbergasted at the whole conversation.

I felt three things at this point... I think I kind of felt betrayed by a friend I had thought was accepting and open minded.  I was also disappointed in myself for not taking the opportunity to "speak my truth" and tell her why I didn't want a coffee; how ever since I learned about no coffee, the craving stopped immediately; how I've been already blessed by paying my tithing and how I always have exactly what I need and more.  I even began feeling like I was wrong about trying to live with and get to know people.  I should just go back to me, my God, my family and that is it!

So, I layed low all that day.  I didn't want to see her, talk to her, nothing... I made it through the day without running into her again until she was leaving.  I asked to make sure if she needed a ride the next morning too, since she had told me the previous day that she would, and she took that opportunity to jump on me again!  She said "No, I already asked {another lady we work with} because she's a bit more on the ball."  I just turned around.  Whatever, I had been there early that morning...lest you forget.

So I avoided her the next day too.

Then day three...Great...She asked me if I wanted to go to lunch like we usually always do.  I'm too nice to think of a fake excuse so I agree to it.  As I go to grab my keys and purse from  my desk I stop and say a prayer.  I asked that she would not spread her negativity about my religion today and if she did I prayed for strength to be able to voice my truth-my testimony- about the subject.

Luckily, the lunch outing went normally and stayed on a positive note, when OOPS! I mentioned how I had to go to church later, when she asked me what I was doing after work.  She looked at me like she was going to go off in a tirade about having to go to church.  I quickly jumped in, before she could say anything-"I don't have to go! I want to go. I love going to church, it brings me joy and peace and strength."  She takes a deep breath and goes "As long as you get something out of it."

So I had this experience in mind for the rest of the week, trying to work up to being able to speak my truth, defend my actions, having to do especially with faith.  I told my sister-in-law that I wanted to make her spaghetti casserole recipe but didn't have any sour cream.  She goes "ummm, go to the store..." I go. "It's Sunday." And she starts out her next text with "no offense but" so you know she intends to offend...So she goes "What? you can't go shopping on Sunday, no offense but that is stupid."  I was just going to be my old self, laugh it off, Ignore it and let her have her belief and keep mine but in light of recent events I sent her a big long, respectful text about how you can always do what you want to do, you have free choice but one of the suggestions for keeping the Sabbath Day holy is to not go shopping and I do try and keep that rule for me, it helps me to feel the Holy Spirit and helps me keep my focus on God all Sabbath long.   I said sometimes you can't not go shopping, but that I wasn't going shopping that day.

She never responded but at least I spoke my truth, right?

Another experience I had because of the bad day experience was a great conversation about religion with my sister as we drove home together from California.  There was a point at the beginning of the conversation where I almost gave up the courage and let the conversation die, but I remembered just in the nick of time to "Speak my Truth."

Speak your truth and don't shy away.
Be an example every second of every day
of letting others know who you are and why
you believe what you do.
For we make a choice every day from morning to eve'
what kind of person we'll be.
Will we stand by silently, never sharing
the truths that strengthen us and calm our storms?
Or will we be bold and strong,
climb that mountain and burst into song.
Finding our voices and sprinkling truth far and wide?

Livin' A Lie--Dolly Parton

Spotlight's on, it's shining bright

And I like standin' in it

It's only superficial light

But I don't want to end it

It's warmth and glow has taken hold

And I'm caught up in it's shine

A Cinderella fairy tale

I want to claim as mine

Fancy clothes, a magic coach

And happy ever after

Like something from a story book

The Cinderella chapter

But when the clock strikes midnight

And I lie awake in bed

Things my Daddy told me

Keep running through my head

You gotta walk the straight and narrow

And to thine own self be true

Gotta aim straight as an arrow

All eyes are up on you

But sometimes it feels so good

That I can almost justify

Livin' a lie -- livin' a lie

Livin' a lie -- livin' a lie

Is it wrong for me to want

The sweeter grass that's greener?

To chase the all-American dream

I've always been a dreamer

At the top and still I've got

A heavy heart inside

I keep remembering

Things my Daddy told me as a child

You gotta walk the striaght and narrow

Gotta hold fast to the right

Gotta aim straight as an arrow

Walk onward toward the light

Oh, but when I'm out there in it

I think I might get by

Livin' a lie -- livin' a lie

But I don't feel right livin' a lie

Livin' a lie -- livin' a lie

All the fame and fortune

Glory and prestige

Can't make me happy if it goes

Against what I believe

And I've sacrificed my honor

My values and my pride

Livin' a lie -- livin' a lie

Livin' a lie -- livin' a lie

Livin' a lie -- livin' a lie

Livin' a lie

Lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, I don't feel right

Sparkles and Butterflies, Sunshine and Roses

So, does this ever happen to anybody?
When someone asks you "How is everything going?"
What if you were tempted to just let it all hang out?
"...to pot!" you say with a scowl.
"Uh, Whaaaat?"
The look on the questioners face alone would be enough for you to quickly backpedal into a more socially acceptable response...
"Oh, just kidding!  Everything is sparkles and butterflies, sunshine and roses!"
All said with a convincing smile.
There's just one problem, or maybe four in this case.
Roses have thorns...
Sparkles inevitably become dull...
Sunshine soon turns to darkness...
And butterflies never live very long once they actually become butterflies.
It's just a signal that the end is near.
Makes you think.

                                                            "The Grass Is Blue"

I've had to think up a way to survive
Since you said it's over
Told me good-bye
I just can't make it one day without you
Unless I pretend that the opposite's true

Rivers flow backwards
Valleys are high
Mountains are level
Truth is alive
I'm perfectly fine
And I don't miss you
The sky is green
And the grass is blue

How much can a heart and a troubled mind take
Where is that fine line before it all breaks
Can one end their sorrow
Just cross over it
And into that realm of insanitive bliss

There's snow in the tropics
There's ice on the sun
It's hot in the Arctic
And crying is fun
And I'm happy now
And I'm glad we're through
And the sky is green
And the grass is blue

And the rivers flow backwards
And my tears are dry
Swans hate the water
And eagles can't fly
But I'm alright now
Now that I'm over you
And the sky is green
And the grass is blue
And I don't love you
And the grass is blue

Learn to say Goodbye...

Thought for the day...
Is it better to have these lessons, like the lesson of saying good-bye, rather than not having to learn it?
I keep having the thought that maybe it's better to just stick by yourself, never trusting that someone will always be there no matter what. Inevitably, they won't be there forever.
Learn how to depend on yourself only.
Learn how to make decisions that express only what you wanted and is not based on what someone else might want.
Learn to not care about anyone or anything that much ever again...

Then my good side takes over.
Then, against my will, I am forced to think that maybe that's not the lesson-the "power"- of learning how to say good-bye.  Maybe you're supposed to learn to cherish the moments you had, remember those in bad times.  That it's these thoughts that would keep you going when all you want to do is shut everyone and everything out so you never have to say good-bye again...


Never having to learn how to say goodbye.
Sounds nice...
Sounds better...
Sounds much more doable than the alternative...

"They say, time heals everything...but I'm still waiting." (Not Ready to Make Nice by: The Dixie Chicks)

 

"The Power Of Good-Bye"
(click link to listen, by: Madonna)

Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no

You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long
Do ya wanna go higher?

[Chorus:]

There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye

Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress

[Chorus2:]

There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye

Learn to say good-bye
I yearn to say good-bye

Each Life That Touches Ours For Good!

Isn't it amazing when you really, actually, meet someone you've already known for a long time.  What I mean is, you knew them, yes, but you didn't really know them, you never saw their inner soul or showed them yours.  It's so good when it happens, but then it's also sad because of the time lost where that connection didn't happen earlier.  I guess you just have to remember that everything that's supposed to happen, happens in it's own time; God's timing is always perfect.

I met just such a bright light a little over a year ago.  I had known her for probably 7 years, I had her son in my class even, but we just had a regular acquaintance-type relationship.  I ran into her out of our normal setting and that magical, guards down, soul baring experience was able to occur between us and I saw her in a different light and I saw her shining with God's light; although I know now that God had His hand in the whole event.

It came at a time when I was feeling especially hard on myself, wondering if anything I did would ever make a difference.  Wondering if I was good enough.  Wondering if I would ever be courageous enough.  Wondering what my purpose was and if I even had a purpose.  Wondering what was the use of always doing the right thing if those you were trying to be an example to, always ran as far away in the opposite direction as they could.  Wondering if anyone ever even saw me, saw my heart, would remember me; or was I just as invisible as I so often felt?

As I sat next to, and visited with, this amazing person we started talking about summer plans and how school was going for my former student, now in Middle School (where did the time go?!?).  She told me of some troubles her son was having and I expressed my disbelief at how cruel kids could be, especially to such a loving boy as her son.  I told how I always felt he was filled with love even from Kindergarten, I always felt his love, even for me.  She brought tears to my eyes when she told of her and his weekly ritual to help make it through the anticipated tough week ahead at school.  As her son would express anxiety of having to go back to school she told him, during his Sunday night prayers, to think of five people in his life who loved him to remind him that although there are those who were hateful toward him, there are always people who care about you and love you and want the best for you.  She went on to say that I, even after all these years, had often made it onto her son's list of 5.  She turned to me with tears in her eyes, as I wiped at the tears in my eyes, and with great intensity in her voice, looked me right in the eyes and said "Never underestimate your influence on the kids you work with!  What you do makes a difference in all of their lives."  This, after I had just been thinking I was utterly invisible, having no visible purpose, not really making a difference or even mattering; that the example I tried to show of values and honesty and morals apparently didn't show.  That's when I knew she was filled with God's love and He talked to her and had asked her to let me know something He wanted me to know.  Me.  Insignificant me had gotten a message from God!  It was an eye opening experience in more than one way.

It's very hard to find people like that in today's world.  I had given up on humanity a little, I think.  I had built walls against trusting people, because it seemed like you couldn't trust anyone without them one day turning on you and tearing you down with the very things they had once used to build you up.  But when she turned and talked to me with such intensity it was like some wall suddenly crumbled and allowed me to see the light shining so brightly within her, and I recognized that light, the bright shining light of God's love.  Something I foolishly thought couldn't exist in normal places.

That wasn't the only soul baring talk we had that night either.  As we talked about religion and the intolerance some people had toward certain ones she told me of a story that had happened between her and another teacher at our school who had ignorantly accosted her beliefs and how my new Hero Friend had stood up for her beliefs with her head held high, putting the other teacher in her place with firmness and grace.

I don't know if our talk affected her the same way if affected me, probably not..., but I knew some things that night because of running into her.  I knew I could trust her and she would never use anything I told her against me because she was filled with God's light and love.  I knew everyone has a purpose and as I drove home that night it came to my understanding that if you are doing your best and doing what you love you are fulfilling your purpose.  You may never see or even know what your purpose was.  It isn't for you to see sometimes, because your purpose is usually worked in the life of someone you met or interacted with; not in your own life.  You never know how the ripples you send out into the world affect the world, you just have to have faith that it does, even if you don't know exactly what you did, you did something just because you were living life to the best of your ability to influence the world in a (hopefully) positive way.

I am now blessed to call this former acquaintance a friend of mine.  I feel lucky to sit by her in church and bask in and soak up the light she naturally emanates.   I am honored to learn from her vast knowledge of The Savior and the scriptures; all through her personal relationship with Him.  I am in awe of her example of steadfastness in faith and courage, her diligence and strength to tackle any task head on, whether daunting or not.  I am strengthened by her sharing of testimonies and lessons learned and by her example of someone who isn't afraid to let her faith show.  She has had so many experiences of defending her faith that I am just floored at how she courageously always chooses the right way to stand up for God and then to teach others in a loving and graceful, but firm manner.

I hope to someday grow to be even half as good, strong and courageous as she is!   This song sums it up:

             Each Life that Touches Ours For Good
                               LDS Hymn 293

1. 1. Each life that touches ours for good
   Reflects thine own great mercy, Lord;
   Thou sendest blessings from above
   Thru words and deeds of those who love.
2. 2. What greater gift dost thou bestow,
   What greater goodness can we know
   Than Christlike friends, whose gentle ways
   Strengthen our faith, enrich our days.
3. 3. When such a friend from us departs,
   We hold forever in our hearts
   A sweet and hallowed memory,
   Bringing us nearer, Lord, to thee.
4. 4. For worthy friends whose lives proclaim
   Devotion to the Savior's name,
   Who bless our days with peace and love,
   We praise thy goodness, Lord, above.

Always Happy...Yes or No?

Do you think I am always happy?  Do you think I have a constant smile on my lips and a song in my heart?  Do you think I skip through a never-ending field of daisies in a white and flowing dress, barefoot, laughing?

Well, I am always happy.... but that doesn't mean I am never engulfed in sadness.  It doesn't mean that I don't cry out in despair.  It doesn't mean that I don't want to punch a hole in a wall sometimes.  It doesn't mean I never get filled with self-doubt and crippling anxiety.  It doesn't mean I don't feel like everyone hates me.  It doesn't mean that I don't just want to crawl in a cave and live there completely and utterly alone sometimes.

What it means is this:
             1.  That I try and think I'm a good actor and can turn on the happy switch at a second's notice and quell any tears that I feel might begin pouring out.  I've had a few people see beyond my smile, ask me something that I couldn't turn into something happy, and were graced with seeing my tears.  Tears are not my friend.  I hate to cry in front of people.  I remember reading about Indians when I was young and how the books said that Indians taught their babies not to cry because it was a sign of weakness.  I never wanted to be seen as weak and internalized that teaching that I wouldn't let anyone see me cry.  I used to be more of a pro at hiding my tears, but I think I'm turning weak...I cry at sad movies.  I cry when I'm moved in church.  I cry when saying goodbye to those I love after a wonderful visit.  I feel teary eyed when someone shares their innermost thoughts and, yes, their very souls with me in a heartfelt conversation.  I cry for people who's hearts are breaking and there's nothing I can do about it.  I cry about the evil and hate that is running rampant in this world.  Confession: I still only cry when no one else is there to see: at night during prayers, in a dark movie theater, watching TV alone, on long driving/thinking trips, while reading books.  I guess I'm turning into a big baby!  Or are tears healing?  Cathartic?  Cleansing?  ?  ?  ?

              2.  That I don't think anyone cares or wants to be burdened with my problems when they have enough of their own.  I think the only gift I have is my smile.  I've seen it help people forget their troubles and turn their bad day into a good one.  I never give a fake smile, I don't think anyway, I always smile with love and understanding and acceptance of the person I give it to.  My whole goal is to give a little joy to someone who can use it.  As Dolly Parton says, "If you see someone without a smile, give 'em one of yours!"  Ever since I heard her say that as  little child, I internalized that teaching and realized that it's a free gift but the repercussions are so rich!  It's a gift you can give without end; you never run out of smiles!  It's a gift that gives to others; when you smile at someone it usually results in them giving a smile to someone else, the ripples could be endless!  As for any burdens I may have, what's the use of telling anybody all about them?  The only one who knows how to help me is Jesus, that's all I need to give any burdens to and then He will help me to deal with them.  I've done this over and over again with amazingly miraculous results, He is so good!  Sometimes, you can't trust humans, they might someday turn on you and use your own pain against you.  I sang a song in church with a friend of mine when I was 9 called "Give Them All to Jesus."  As with everything, what I believe and internalized was taught to me in a song:

Are you tired of chasing pretty rainbows?

Are you tired of spinning round and round?

Wrap up all the shattered dreams of your life,

And at the feet of Jesus, lay them down.

Give them all, Give them all,

Give them all to Jesus,

Shattered dreams,

Wounded hearts,

And broken toys.

Give them all, Give them all,

Give them all to Jesus,

And He will turn your sorrow into Joy!

He never said you'd only see sunshine,

He never said there'd be no rain;

He only promised a heart full of singing,

About the very things that once brought pain.

               3.  That after I get out of my "unhappy mood" I realize that nothing that bad has ever happened to me, especially compared to what I've seen others go through and I realize that I am truly blessed and loved, what have I got to be unhappy about anyway?  Another thing I finally got really good at learning was the fact that other people can never be to blame for making you feel a certain way.  You make yourself feel bad by letting what people think of you, say about you, believe about you etc.  Letting all of that have power over you and your feelings.  That is no longer allowed for me.  I don't care what other people think about me, what I care about is what I think about myself.  I realize that it's the other person's problem and actually is most likely a belief they have about themselves and won't acknowledge so they try to take it out on the happy, smiley person who they see as weak with no backbone, someone who won't stick up for themselves.  It's always great to see that shocked face when you put one of those people in their place!  I always do it with grace and kindness but I am also firm and straightforward and let them know, in no uncertain terms, that I will not be treated that way.  Letting your peace be shattered by feelings of sadness, pain or insecurity is easy, it's learning how to shut it out that is hard.  You have to learn how to build that inner strength to know when you're letting those bad and depreciating thoughts come in to your psyche and then learn how to shove them in a box, duct tape the box shut with a thousand wraps, and then take that box, walk it to the edge of the world and throw it off into the abyss...after you do that, look up into the abyss.  What do you see?  I see Jesus with his arms held open wide, his love shining out from him like sunlight from the skies.  He gives me Joy again, and then I know everything will turn out alright, somehow, I just have to have faith.

               4.  The last thing it means for me is that I have faith that all the little disappointments, the little things that bring me sadness, the empathy I feel for the sadness of others, all these seemingly little things are teaching me how to deal, so that when a big thing does end up happening to me, I will hopefully be strong enough to take it and deal with it gracefully and not go totally off the deep end, because I have been taught who to rely on.  I have been taught that no matter what I am going through, someone else is going through something much worse.  I have been taught how to be strong, or even maybe just to seem strong.  I have been taught who to give all my burdens and sadnesses and disappointments to, someone who is always there, someone who knows exactly what I will be required to bear in this life and someone who has promised to take those burdens upon Him and also cradle me in His embrace when I most need it.

So you decide.
Am I always happy?
Do I always have a smile on my face?

Poetry inspired by this post (work in progress... may change... and hopefully for the better...):

Sometimes I wish I could just see me,

See the me I used to be,

Happy-go-lucky and carefree!

Whatever happened to that version of me?

Was that 'happiness' even really free?

I'll be happy again, just you wait and see!

After all, happiness comes from right inside me!

And I'm the only one holding that happiness key,

And I'm going to unlock it for everyone to see!

Teresa Jeanine

5/17/14

Be Truly Thankful in Everything!

In church this Sunday we were discussing the part in The Old Testament where Moses is leading the people through the desert and they were being provided Manna from heaven but later desired meat and complained and demanded meat from God.  Our teacher asked this question:  Is there a problem with wanting more?  What kind of problems could arise with always wanting more?

This question got me to thinking.  Some people in the class said you could go into debt buying things you wanted and didn't necessarily need.  Your focus would be taken off of God and put more into worldly things rather than spiritual things.  Those are all really good responses but I thought of another one.

I kept thinking that if you are always thinking about what you don't have and things you want are you able to see what you do have and be thankful for all your blessings?

Are you thankful that you were able to walk outside and smell the fresh air?  Or did you even notice because you were grumbling about having to get up and get to work.  What about the hospital bound, bed ridden patient that has to lay in bed all day, smelling antiseptic hospital smells?

Do you praise God every time you stub your toe or step on something hard?  What about the person whose feet have lost all feeling because of something like diabetes who would find it a miraculous answer to prayer to feel the pain caused by a stubbed toe?

Are you so grateful for every breath you take that shows you are still alive, realizing that at that exact moment someone else may be breathing their last breath for this life?

Are you thankful you were able to witness that big sky sunset with a kaleidoscope of colors against the towering purple mountains and hazy layer of shaded clouds while someone else must live in perpetual darkness, never seeing anything?

Even the things that may seem unimportant are a blessing in your life, that is my point!  I read once that it's important to thank God for everything you  have, no matter how small.  The book said to even thank God for your vacuum!  It got me to thinking about all the things that you take for granted and don't even realize what a great blessing they are because they are always there.  Well, what would you do if suddenly it wasn't there?  Would you actually take the time to sweep your whole carpet with your broom, or get down on your hands and knees and try and pick up all the things that the vacuum sucks up effortlessly?  Think about that for a minute...

Do you say a prayer of thanks for all the little things that help you throughout the day to get your job done more efficiently?  Thanks for my car, thanks for my job, thanks for letting me see that smile full of happiness on the random child in the store, thanks for helping me be thankful for all the little things so that when I need to be thankful for all the big things, I am not blinded and can actually see them for what they are and then I can be truly thankful!

If you took a moment in your prayers to list all the things that you were thankful for throughout the day it would take you 2 weeks just to list the blessings found in 2 hours of your life, I guarantee it!  There are people who touch your life, family and friends and even strangers that give you so many reasons to be grateful for what you already have.  Let us never become so focused on what we don't have that we forget to acknowledge and become blind to the many blessings we do have.  I would then admonish you to thank God for each and every one.  I always see a quote that says:

What if you woke up tomorrow with only the things you thanked God for today?

Well???

Never take anything for granted, be thankful for what you have and as you do that, you will automatically receive more blessings and eventually get to a point beyond where you are and where you hope to be someday.  It's through recognizing what you have, using that as your stepping stones to get farther and more, but never forget what you have already that help you on your journey of growth.

Lord, Please Keep Making Me

Make me broken

So I can be healed

'Cause I'm so calloused

And now I can't feel

I want to run to You
With heart wide open
Make me broken

Make me empty
So I can be filled

'Cause I'm still holding
Onto my will

And I'm completed
When you are with me
Make me empty

[Chorus:]
'Til You are my one desire
'Til You are my one true love
'Til You are my breath, my everything

Lord, please keep making me

Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
'Til I want no one
More than You, Lord
'Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me
Make me lonely

             ~ Keep Making Me by: Sidewalk Prophets

The lessons of buying a new car...

I bought a new car, recently, well, it was a few months ago now.  Nothing was really wrong with my old car, maybe it was a little banged up and dirty but it still ran good and got me where I needed to go without any problems at all...and I loved it, still.  However, I still felt, for some reason, that I wanted a new car and that I should have 2 cars in case I needed a backup.  I even knew what kind I wanted!  I had a Buick LeSabre Custom and wanted a Buick Enclave.  It was bigger, so I could carry more people with me; and it had all wheel drive so I could travel better in all kinds of weather, especially snow and dangerous weather like that, and it was a Buick, which based on my previous car I knew I trusted.

As with any new decision, there were other things to consider.  Things I thought were pretty important; things like another payment on top of my house payment, not getting as many miles per gallon as my car, the extra cost of buying new 19 inch wheels when the time came, having 2 cars on the insurance payments, having 2 cars, period, when I was only one person.  I thought these things were so important, in fact, that I decided to either wait until I really needed a new car, maybe a year or two down the road, or try and talk myself into a different car that had the same seating and maybe a better miles per gallon number.  I tried, I really did, to look at other vehicles, but I hated all of them, they were not for me; even though they even looked EXACTLY like the one I wanted, the Buick Enclave, I did not even want to consider them in my heart.  So I decided to not get anything and just stay with my trusted Buick LeSabre, which was good, nothing wrong with it, remember.

Well, as is sometimes the case, you're not really as in control of things as you think you are.  A Buick Enclave jumped itself into my path, when I least expected it!  I was out of town, even out of state!, visiting and helping a friend. Getting a new car was nowhere on my radar because, like I said, I  had decided not to get a new one yet.  When my friend's son slid onto some ice and ran into the car in front of him, we rushed over to his place of work to check on him and make sure he was alright.  Yes, he had gone straight to work after the accident!  As we saw he was, by the grace of God, alright, I realized he worked at a Buick car dealership.  Although, it, in retrospect, wasn't the time, I asked my friend to drive around the lot, curious as to whether there were any Buick Enclaves to be found.  Lo and behold, (were you seriously surprised???) there was one Buick Enclave, all in it's dark brown glory.  It was on sale for Christmas.  It had a bench seat in the middle instead of the undesirable (at least to me, hey I needed an 8 seater vehicle!) 2 bucket seats I had seen Buick Enclaves as having on the internet.  It seemed meant to be, or was it?

So I decided to put forth a test of faith, I said, 'Well, I'll see if my bank approves a loan and if they do and it all works out, maybe I was meant to get this Enclave!'  The bank approved me immediately.

So I said, "Well, if the paperwork can get here in time, before the sale goes off etc. etc. etc. it might be meant to be for me to buy this vehicle."  The paperwork arrived in time.

Before the paperwork arrived and before the next business day at the dealership, because of the weekend, I had a couple days to wrack my brain with decisionmaking and indecisionmaking, as I like to call it, because I can never make up my mind, even if I feel it's what I should do, or what I really, really want to do!  I made up a projected budget.  I asked the advice of family and friends.  I prayed fervently for an answer.  I read reviews on the internet.  I checked values on the internet.  I 'slept on it.'

Sometimes, I think, people get a little agitated and iritated with my indecision.  I guess making decisions isn't as anguishing for others as it is for me.  I get ideas through anguishing over my indecision though; from what others say, from what I reason out in my own mind and from playing around with different scenarios as I anguish.  I got lots of good advice and one that really stuck with me was when my friend turns to me and says "Do you really think you're going to be better prepared a year from now to get a new car, than you already are?  What's going to change?  You're still going to have a house payment, you're still going to have savings, you're still going to have a job.  Why not just get it now?"  Well, she might have said it a little differently but that's how it came to my mind and my remembrance.  After that, I came up with another 'if/then' plan!

I said, 'Okay, I'll leave it up to the dealership.  I will offer a certain price to them and tell them that's all I can do.  If they can take it, I will take the car.  If they couldn't then that would be that!" ... They accepted my offer.

Hmmm, are things LOOKING A LITTLE FISHY TO YOU YET???

I texted my mom that I guessed I was going to buy the new car.  Guess what she wrote to me?

"I knew you would...."

Why didn't I know it?  Or, you know what?  I guess I did know it too, how could I ignore the signs?  Why do I let myself get caught up in fear of the unknown, when everything usually works out for the best?

And remember all my fears?  They all got checked off one by one.

I bought the Enclave and loved it, never had any after the fact feelings of remorse.  It felt right from the second I made my decision to buy it.  I would have been disappointed if I hadn't of bought it, actually.  Would have kicked myself all the way home!

What about all the things that I had thought were pretty important?

1.  The payment turned out to be $500 a month.  I added up all my previous month's purchases, putting them into categories of needs and frivolities and guess what it boiled down to?  Oh, wow, I'd have to stop going to Wal-Mart and wasting my money on stupid stuff, big deal!  That's what I always wanted anyway!

2.  What about having to pay two car insurance payments?  Well, when I went to the insurance company, guess what?  It only added about $100 to my previous policy!  No big deal there, plus I wouldn't have to pay it for about 3 months!

 3.  What about having two cars for one person?  I live in Nevada, that's a given.  Lot's of people have more than one car and plus, it's safer to have a backup car in case your car doesn't start in the morning and you have to get to work and no one is available to help you etc. etc. etc.  So, no big deal, plus!  Plus, I actually let my friends son use my LeSabre since the vehicle he was using got put out of commission when he slid into that other vehicle, remember?  So I look at it this way...

When you make a change for the better in your life, there will always be prices to pay, but those prices are worth it!  You still have all the valuable lessons learned from what you knew up to that point and you are also able to grow and learn more after the change occurs.

The lesson is trying not to be too afraid to make the necessary changes just because you might not know the complete plan that is to come.  You have to have faith that you will gain so many more blessings (blessings you deserve!) and then use all you now have to even bless the lives of others (blessings they deserve!).

 Another lesson, is this.  If you feel like hesitating or putting off a decision, say for a year, ask yourself the question..."Will you really be any more ready in a year, than you are right now?"  Think about it.

And another lesson...I promise this is the last one...even though you may feel like you don't know the answer, you might just be kidding yourself and when you, in all innocence, come forward with what you think will be a big proclamation and surprise to those around you, don't be at all surprised when the first words out of all their mouths is "I knew you would!"

Faith

When the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified.  

"It is a spirit," they said, and cried out for fear.  

But Jesus immediately said to them:

"Take courage! It is I.  Do not be afraid."

"Lord, if it is you," Peter replied

"tell me to come to you on the water."

"Come," He said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat,

walked on the water and came toward Jesus.

Matthew 14: 26-29

When this scene is imagined between Peter and the Savior the soul is stirred at the great amount of faith that had been shown on the part of Peter.  He was so trusting in Jesus that he did step off from the safety of the boat into the great unknown and begin to walk upon the water.  Those first steps of faith often do come with fear of the unknown; there is elation, to be sure, but you would never be able to take those steps upon the water if you didn't have the faith that you would indeed be safe, and would not immediately crash through the waves and flounder in the deep and tumultuous waters.

A song I love lately, [Oceans by United] says:

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown

Where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep, My faith will stand

I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine.

When Jesus calls you out 'upon the waters' it may feel like it is unknown territory. It may feel like if you do this thing, you might fail miserably.  Were you even worthy enough in the first place to be called out there into that 'great unknown'?  That is where faith comes in.  Worrying about the unknowns, the why's, the what if's will only cause you to falter and doubt all the things you knew to be true.  The next line shows that Jesus is there to help us 'in the mystery and the oceans deep', that is where we will find Him waiting for us, to lead and guide us, to pick us up when we fall, to save us when we sink.  We just have to call upon His name, keep our eyes on Him, feel the safety of His everlasting embrace.  He knows us all and we are His.  We must also remember that He is ours, He would love nothing better than if we held Him closely at all times, when the 'oceans rise' and also when the seas are calm.  At all times.  If we realize this, then our faith will stand.  Our faith is centered on our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  If we remember that while exercising our faith, our feet will never fail.

Matthew goes on in verses 30 and 31:

But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and,

beginning to sink, cried out, 

"Lord, save me!"

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.

"You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

The winds came up and caused Peter to lose his focus of keeping his eyes on Jesus, caused his faith to waver.  Just in an instant he faltered and began to sink.  He knew, however, that a Savior was right in reach and he cried out for the Lord to save him.  How I love the next word in the scripture!  Immediately!  It says "Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him."  What a feeling of great love!  He will never let us flounder in our iniquities, all we need to do is call upon His name and he will immediately reach out for us and save us with His great love for us, he does not want even one of us to remain lost, he wants to save us, every last one.  The last sentence of the scripture places an emphasis on faith, or lack thereof.  When your faith shrinks, doubts come flooding in.  Strength lies in realizing that your faith is failing and immediately taking the steps necessary to fortify your faith once again, and that means focusing on and believing in our Savior, Jesus Christ and the promises He has made us, and also remembering the truths he has made known to us through the Holy Spirit.  

The song "Oceans" continues:

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now.

The grace of our Savior finds us no matter how deep we sink into the deepest waters. His hand will always reach for us, to lead and guide us, to ultimately save us.  Of our own accord, we cannot rise. We can do nothing and are nothing without our Savior.  We may even become paralyzed with fear.  That is when the Savior reaches for us, all we have to do is call to Him and ask for Him to save us.  He will strengthen us and be a shining beacon that we can grasp onto, gaze upon and follow out of the darkness, and as we rise we will inevitably be increasing our faith--helping it to become unshakable faith more and more.  As our faith is tried we must hold onto that faith, and never let go.  Faith has been an underlying lesson all throughout this week.  Here is a quote I found as I was studying the scriptures this week that further emphasizes this point:

Trials of faith do not always come in the form of adversity.  Elder Richard G. Scott...taught that sometimes "the trial of [our] faith" is simply a matter of exercising our faith: "You can learn to use faith more effectively by applying this principle taught by Moroni: 'Faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith' [Ether 12:6]  Thus, every time you try your faith--that is, act in worthiness on an impression-- you will receive the confirming evidence of the Spirit.  Those feelings will fortify your faith.  As you repeat that pattern, your faith will become stronger.

 Taking those first few steps of faith, just as Peter did to walk on the water toward Jesus, is sometimes pretty easy.  It's when the winds (aka trials) come that we are really forced to exercise our faith.  That point where the known stops and the unknown begins.  We've all heard the term 'blind faith.'   That is knowing you have been led along a certain path for a reason, mustering the courage to continue on even though you might not know exactly where the path will lead, and having the faith to complete the journey and receive all the blessings that are sure to follow, if you will just continue on in that unfailing faith.  You have an active role to play in the fortifying of your faith.  You must try your faith and act upon any and all impressions and confirmations of the Spirit that you have received.  You can then remember your try's of faith as you repeat this process, allowing the strength of your faith to grow and take root.

Another quote I found this week is by Jeffrey R. Holland and speaks of this specific topic as well:

Preparatory faith is formed by experiences in the past--by the known, which provides a basis for belief.  But redemptive faith must often be exercised toward experiences in the future--the unknown, which provides an opportunity for the miraculous.  Exacting faith, mountain-moving faith, faith like that of the brother of Jared, precedes the miracle and the knowledge.  He had to believe before God spoke.  He had to act before the ability to complete that action was apparent.  He had to commit to the complete experience in advance of even the first segment of its realization.  Faith is to agree unconditionally--and in advance--to whatever conditions God may require in both the near and distant future.

Sometimes you already know the conditions God requires of you, but you somehow hesitate anyway, waiting for something to be revealed to you.  You must exercise faith, even in the unknown, in order to reap the benefits or see the miracles that are sure to follow your acts of faith.  Peter said "If it is you, Lord, tell me to come."  He heard the voice of the Lord, even though he couldn't see Him and immediately hopped out of the boat to walk on water.  Can a man walk on water?  No.  Can a man with faith in Him who can walk on water, walk on water?  Apparently he can.  Can you?  Can I?  With the help of and faith in our Savior all things are possible.

The song, "Oceans" from Hillsong United ends like this:

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior!

Let my faith be made stronger!  Let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me!  Lead me to the presence of my Savior!

As I said, this week has been a lesson in faith after lesson in faith.  Everywhere I turned I found lessons on faith that spoke to my soul.  Here is another example I came across:

Through divine personal revelation, the Book of Mormon prophet Lehi and his son Nephi were each shown a vision of our mortal probationary state and its accompanying dangers.  Lehi says, "And it came to pass that there arose a mist of darkness, yea, even an exceedingly great mist of darkness, insomuch that they who had commenced in the path did lose their way, that they wandered off and were lost" (1 Nephi 8:23).  Yet, "he [also] saw other multitudes pressing forward; and they came and caught hold of the end of the rod of iron; and they did press their way forward, continually holding fast to [that] rod of iron, until they came forth and fell down and partook of the fruit of the tree," meaning the tree of life (1 Nephi 8:30). --Ann M. Dibb "Hold On" Oct. 2009.

And:

In Lehi's dream an already difficult journey gets more difficult when a mist of darkness arises, obscuring any view of the safe but narrow path his family and others are to follow.  It is imperative to note that this mist of darkness descends on all the travelers--the faithful and the determined ones (the elect, we might even say) as well as the weaker and ungrounded ones.  The principal point of the story is that the successful travelers resist all distractions, including the lure of the forbidden paths and jeering taunts from the vain and proud who have taken those paths.  The record says that the protected "did press their way forward, continually [and, I might add, tenaciously} holding fast" to a rod of iron that runs unfailingly along the course of the true path.  However dark the night or the day, the rod marks the way of that solitary, redeeming trail. --Jeffrey R. Holland "Safety for the Soul" Oct. 2009.

We must follow the word of God and will then be led to everlasting life, to live in the presence of our Savior. The path described in the dream was completely blotted out, no one could see.  But the metaphorical arm of the Savior was right there along the path the whole time.  The people had to exercise faith that they were not lost or forgotten, that a way would be provided for them to find their way to everlasting life, then they had to maintain that faith and never let go of the iron rod, no matter if the way was too hard, or too long or too lonely, in order to reach their goal of eternal life, they had to hold on and never let go until such a time that they would reach their destination and reap their blessings.

I write these things on faith more for myself than anyone else, because who reads this anyway?  When I feel my faith may begin to waver I can come back here and fortify my faith with my own testimonies and experiences...and a song!  Always a song. :)

I pray for all who read this to have enduring and unshakable faith, even to the end.
Amen

To Church or Not to Church, that is the question...

For me church has always been one of those "fairy tale ideas."  You have this idea in your head about what church should be like, feel like and generate into the world.  So, when I would go to church I would have these high expectations of what I thought it should be like and then...it never was.

There were parts of church that were always good, and that pretty much boiled down to the music and teaching based on The Bible; singing and getting to sit as close to the piano player as possible and watching mesmerized as she played that beautiful music.  Music has a way of touching the soul and creating a feeling of peace, calm and strength.  You can definitely feel God in a song!

I always felt that what was taught about God should be based upon this one principal- "God is Love."  Everything to be taught can be based upon this concept.  It trumps all!  If someone had the courage to step into a church for the very first time do they want to hear about how they are not good enough?    Or do they need to hear about a loving and merciful Savior that loves them and takes them just as they are.  He wants to take them as they are and renew them through the love of Christ, through this love they will be made new!  It's not because God took them and made them become a certain way.  It is because that person took God into their heart and soul, and felt the mercy of His love, felt the tenderness of His grace, felt the awesomeness of His power and became filled with the glory of His light!  When you feel this love of God you want to do everything in your power to let him know he didn't make a mistake in loving you, you will show your love with obedience to His will and seek His plan for you! At this point of your conversion it will physically cause you pain, discomfort and anxiousness when you turn from doing what God has taught you to do.  He has high expectations for His children because He has faith in us, that we can choose to do what is right and required of us to live again with Him someday!  We just need to have faith in ourselves that we CAN do what He requires of us, because He loves us!  We can do ALL THINGS through Christ who strengthens us!

I always got the idea that everyone at church believed if you just got baptized you would be saved and able to go to Heaven when you died.  Sometimes the first question they asked was "Are you baptized?"  I began wondering if they recognized the connection of faith and conversion to Jesus as tied to baptism.  Sure, the preacher would ask if you wanted to accept Jesus into your heart, but did they ever teach what that meant?  I very quickly came to the realization that I believed that baptism alone didn't ensure your salvation.  I always had this idea of an old, old man laying in his hospital bed, knowing he was going to die soon and he had never gotten baptized.  He wouldn't have time now, he was minutes away from death.  He had lived a good life, trying his best to be a good man. His last prayer would be asking Jesus to forgive him of his sins and please come into his heart. Would Jesus deny this man his salvation?  I always felt there would be a resounding 'NO!'  That he would be saved because God is Love!

And then there was "the church" ...

I was constantly flabbergasted and caused pains of the heart when I was confronted with people as they are in church and the same people as they are when not in church.  It seemed that the church was a place where people went to be with God and repent of any sins committed during the week, but once they left the church they were like "Oh, God is back at the church, he can't see me.  I'll do what I want and then when I see God again on Sunday, I will ask Him to forgive me."  This is when I realized that God is not in a church or a building of any kind.  His goal is to live within us, a most Holy Temple; in our hearts, in our thoughts, in our deeds.  Not just on Sunday but everyday, every second of the day!  He says "Wherever 2 or 3 are gathered 'IN MY NAME' there I will be also."  Wherever!  That means He is everywhere when we bring Him with us!  We need to be His ambassadors, and example of His love here on Earth, so others, when they see us will ask, what can I do to be like that?  We have to be a shining beacon light of the Savior, bringing all within the sphere of His glowing light of love!

After so many years of this it's not hard to see why my mantra was that I didn't believe in church, I didn't see the value in organized religion and I didn't think any mere mortal could teach me more about God than I could learn myself through constantly praying, reading The Bible and striving to become a better person day by day, following the commandments of God.

But, remember...GOD IS LOVE!  He wants us to be so close to Him you can feel Him breathe upon your soul, so He sends us one of His beacon lights.  A person so filled with the light and love of God that you can't ignore it and you yourself realize that you can be even more of what God wants you to be!  You can be even closer to God than you were.  Even though you felt you were holding His hand-don't you want to be carried in His arms, laying your head upon His chest and feeling the beat of His heart beating within your own?

Meeting just such a person led me to give church another try.  She felt so strongly that church was important and I couldn't for the life of me understand why she felt so strongly in this, but she wouldn't budge one centimeter in her belief.  My curiosity piqued, and I found myself led to church.  This church baffled me.  The very first time I attended a meeting I found myself back in a habit of old.  Previously when I had gone to church I often felt the prayers were harsh and would never let seekers know of God's love, so I would pray my own prayer while the preacher was praying.  I so often prayed that people would come to know of His great love for them and know that He loved them and asked Him to help people learn of how to follow Him.  While at this meeting, I bowed my head to pray and began to pray my own prayer while the speaker began his prayer.  I noticed that he started out by saying almost the exact same thing I had started out praying.  So I tried again, and again his prayer was my same prayer for the second sentence!  I looked up in disbelief and felt the slow spread of a shining smile light across my face and for the first time in church I bowed my head back down and joined in with the group led prayer.  It was an awesome feeling, where more than 2 or 3 were gathered and they were all gathered in Jesus' name. The Spirit of God was palpable at that moment.  As I started going more diligently I realized the reason I loved going to church so much now, it was the way I had always envisioned a church should be, the church of my "fairy tale church" was real.

In this church, people from the congregation speak each week.  They talk about what they have learned about living a faith based life and how it  has led them closer to God.   Their talks are backed up by articles and scripture passages that give directions and ideas of how to become closer to God.  They then share that through living their faith daily, and constantly seeking ways to increase their faith they now have a great testimony of the truth they now so vehemently share.  It is evident that most of the congregation strives to live a Christ centered life, not just on Sunday or when they are in church but everyday, wherever they are and wherever they go.  But church does have a purpose!

Whenever you walk in you know you are in the presence of God and you are immediately wrapped in a hug by your very own Savior who loves you and will never leave you.  This hug becomes permanent and you feel it everywhere you go throughout the week.  Then as the week goes on and the glow of God's love might feel like it's starting to waver, you realize that it's almost Sunday and you can again gather in His name!  Renew the strength of your faith, wash off the dirt of this sinful world and you can again be wrapped in His embrace as you enter into His presence once more!  Your heart leaps for joy as you think of church and you realize you don't have to wait for Sunday, God is Love and He is always with you, just ask him to grab you in His loving embrace once more, giving you strength to make it through the week and then the great joy as you enter into the sanctuary on Sunday morning and open your heart to His lessons He has prepared solely and especially just for you, if you are willing to listen!  You love having an entire day where you were commanded to rest and keep the day holy.  This is a day you can reflect on God and how you are going to strive to be like Jesus.  You begin developing your own testimony of His love and His truth, you become filled with that light and perhaps one day, you too will be someone else's beacon light of God's Infinite Love!

I look around me with a smile on my face,

In wonderment of all the beauty of this place,

He's made for me,

A place for joy, a place for peace, a place for love,

It reminds me of the Heaven I've been dreaming of!

Bring me Joy, bring me joy!

Everyday, This I pray!

To pass this joy to everyone who looks my way!

Let my light shine bright, a lighthouse of His love!

So others get a glimpse of Heaven up above!

Stand in Holy places, all blessings shall be yours!

Remember all the joy that He gives!

Love one another, and to yourself be true,

Fill your day with Kindness and be not moved!

By: Teresa Jeanine

April 19, 2013

Keep Looking to The Father!

Music has always been my go to therapy.  When I need a mood change it makes me feel better; when I'm happy it makes me smile and laugh and dance, when I'm angry it let's me vent and scream out loud!, when I'm sad I can either find a song that makes me cry or one that makes me laugh (whatever the situation calls for) ... sometimes you just feel like a good cry, though!  I feel there's a song for everything.  Sometimes I feel music is weird, in that I feel it's a fairy tale, something not real or applicable to life.  Seeing life through rose colored glasses and all that.  Then again, sometimes I feel there is nothing more real than the story within a song.  Maybe that's where the magic lays within music...  It's all relative to how it affects your heart!

Dolly Parton has a song called Appalachian Memories that I just love.  It is full of imagery, heart, and strength drawn from faith in God. It starts out where somebody told them they should go North to look for work, the promise made was that "The air was filled with gold dust and fortune falls like snowflakes in your hands."  These lofty promises filled their heads with dreams and when they got there all those dreams fell in on them because "there was no land of promise."  They began longing for what they had back home.

It is SO important to realize the moment you're in and appreciate what you have when you have it.  If you are always longing for something you perceive to be better than what you have, what will you get but disappointment?  It's important to remember that nothing comes easy, and anything worth having is also something you usually have to work for.  There's struggles and hardships that will need to be overcome and maybe the sacrifices you made would become worth it in the end.  And to get through those struggles in life?  The song says:

But I'll keep leanin' on Sweet Jesus

I know He'll love and guide and lead us.

Smoky Mountain memories keep me strong.

What is your "Smoky Mountains?"  The place or feeling or longing that you call "home?"  Is it your loved ones?  Your faith?  Your family?  Let those things be the things you draw strength from, but first and foremost remember that Jesus will love and guide and lead you when you feel overwhelmed and need strength to carry on.

Ya know I've been thinkin' a whole lot lately

About what's been and what awaits me

It takes all I've got to give what life demands

You go insane if you give in to it

Life's a mill and I've been through it

I'm just thankful I'm creative with my hands

Life is so overwhelming at times, you feel like you'll sink if you don't start swimming but just the thought of trying to swim overwhelms you as well!  If you have faith in God, though, just remember this verse from 1 Corinthians 10:13:

But God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able.

I don't claim to be a Bible scholar and the way I interpret this verse is probably not the way anyone else in the whole wide world would interpret it, but when I read it for the first time I felt as if God was telling me that he wouldn't keep putting tests and trials in front of me if He didn't trust that I could handle it.  Sometimes I feel like, why does God trust me so much?  I don't even have enough faith in myself to believe I can accomplish some of the things He puts before me to do.  However, just the knowledge that He is there for me and has faith that I can do it, or He wouldn't have put it in front of me, keeps me striving to do better...

If I keep lookin' to the Father

he'll keep our heads above the water...

Appalachian Memories by Dolly Parton

As usual the emotion and almost prayerful way Dolly Parton sings this speaks to the soul and pulls on the heartstrings!

Addicted!

...To music that moves me, I should say!  :)

I always hear only the instrumental version of this song on Pandora and every time it comes on I LOVE it so much, I have to look and see what song it is.  I'm always like- "that one again!"  Now I found one with words! 

If You Could Hie To Kolob 
Click on the link to hear!

1. 
   
   If you could hie to Kolob
   In the twinkling of an eye,
   And then continue onward
   With that same speed to fly,
   Do you think that you could ever,
   Through all eternity,
   Find out the generation
   Where Gods began to be?
   
   
   Or see the grand beginning,
   Where space did not extend?
   Or view the last creation,
   Where Gods and matter end?
   Methinks the Spirit whispers,
   "No man has found 'pure space,'
   Nor seen the outside curtains,
   Where nothing has a place."
   
   
   The works of God continue,
   And worlds and lives abound;
   Improvement and progression
   Have one eternal round.
   There is no end to matter;
   There is no end to space;
   There is no end to spirit;
   There is no end to race.
   
   
   There is no end to virtue;
   There is no end to might;
   There is no end to wisdom;
   There is no end to light.
   There is no end to union;
   There is no end to youth;
   There is no end to priesthood;
   There is no end to truth.
   
   
   There is no end to glory;
   There is no end to love;
   There is no end to being;
   There is no death above.
   There is no end to glory;
   There is no end to love;
   There is no end to being;
   There is no death above.
    
   Text: William W. Phelps, 1792-1872