Always Happy...Yes or No?

Do you think I am always happy?  Do you think I have a constant smile on my lips and a song in my heart?  Do you think I skip through a never-ending field of daisies in a white and flowing dress, barefoot, laughing?

Well, I am always happy.... but that doesn't mean I am never engulfed in sadness.  It doesn't mean that I don't cry out in despair.  It doesn't mean that I don't want to punch a hole in a wall sometimes.  It doesn't mean I never get filled with self-doubt and crippling anxiety.  It doesn't mean I don't feel like everyone hates me.  It doesn't mean that I don't just want to crawl in a cave and live there completely and utterly alone sometimes.

What it means is this:
             1.  That I try and think I'm a good actor and can turn on the happy switch at a second's notice and quell any tears that I feel might begin pouring out.  I've had a few people see beyond my smile, ask me something that I couldn't turn into something happy, and were graced with seeing my tears.  Tears are not my friend.  I hate to cry in front of people.  I remember reading about Indians when I was young and how the books said that Indians taught their babies not to cry because it was a sign of weakness.  I never wanted to be seen as weak and internalized that teaching that I wouldn't let anyone see me cry.  I used to be more of a pro at hiding my tears, but I think I'm turning weak...I cry at sad movies.  I cry when I'm moved in church.  I cry when saying goodbye to those I love after a wonderful visit.  I feel teary eyed when someone shares their innermost thoughts and, yes, their very souls with me in a heartfelt conversation.  I cry for people who's hearts are breaking and there's nothing I can do about it.  I cry about the evil and hate that is running rampant in this world.  Confession: I still only cry when no one else is there to see: at night during prayers, in a dark movie theater, watching TV alone, on long driving/thinking trips, while reading books.  I guess I'm turning into a big baby!  Or are tears healing?  Cathartic?  Cleansing?  ?  ?  ?

              2.  That I don't think anyone cares or wants to be burdened with my problems when they have enough of their own.  I think the only gift I have is my smile.  I've seen it help people forget their troubles and turn their bad day into a good one.  I never give a fake smile, I don't think anyway, I always smile with love and understanding and acceptance of the person I give it to.  My whole goal is to give a little joy to someone who can use it.  As Dolly Parton says, "If you see someone without a smile, give 'em one of yours!"  Ever since I heard her say that as  little child, I internalized that teaching and realized that it's a free gift but the repercussions are so rich!  It's a gift you can give without end; you never run out of smiles!  It's a gift that gives to others; when you smile at someone it usually results in them giving a smile to someone else, the ripples could be endless!  As for any burdens I may have, what's the use of telling anybody all about them?  The only one who knows how to help me is Jesus, that's all I need to give any burdens to and then He will help me to deal with them.  I've done this over and over again with amazingly miraculous results, He is so good!  Sometimes, you can't trust humans, they might someday turn on you and use your own pain against you.  I sang a song in church with a friend of mine when I was 9 called "Give Them All to Jesus."  As with everything, what I believe and internalized was taught to me in a song:

Are you tired of chasing pretty rainbows?

Are you tired of spinning round and round?

Wrap up all the shattered dreams of your life,

And at the feet of Jesus, lay them down.

Give them all, Give them all,

Give them all to Jesus,

Shattered dreams,

Wounded hearts,

And broken toys.

Give them all, Give them all,

Give them all to Jesus,

And He will turn your sorrow into Joy!

He never said you'd only see sunshine,

He never said there'd be no rain;

He only promised a heart full of singing,

About the very things that once brought pain.

               3.  That after I get out of my "unhappy mood" I realize that nothing that bad has ever happened to me, especially compared to what I've seen others go through and I realize that I am truly blessed and loved, what have I got to be unhappy about anyway?  Another thing I finally got really good at learning was the fact that other people can never be to blame for making you feel a certain way.  You make yourself feel bad by letting what people think of you, say about you, believe about you etc.  Letting all of that have power over you and your feelings.  That is no longer allowed for me.  I don't care what other people think about me, what I care about is what I think about myself.  I realize that it's the other person's problem and actually is most likely a belief they have about themselves and won't acknowledge so they try to take it out on the happy, smiley person who they see as weak with no backbone, someone who won't stick up for themselves.  It's always great to see that shocked face when you put one of those people in their place!  I always do it with grace and kindness but I am also firm and straightforward and let them know, in no uncertain terms, that I will not be treated that way.  Letting your peace be shattered by feelings of sadness, pain or insecurity is easy, it's learning how to shut it out that is hard.  You have to learn how to build that inner strength to know when you're letting those bad and depreciating thoughts come in to your psyche and then learn how to shove them in a box, duct tape the box shut with a thousand wraps, and then take that box, walk it to the edge of the world and throw it off into the abyss...after you do that, look up into the abyss.  What do you see?  I see Jesus with his arms held open wide, his love shining out from him like sunlight from the skies.  He gives me Joy again, and then I know everything will turn out alright, somehow, I just have to have faith.

               4.  The last thing it means for me is that I have faith that all the little disappointments, the little things that bring me sadness, the empathy I feel for the sadness of others, all these seemingly little things are teaching me how to deal, so that when a big thing does end up happening to me, I will hopefully be strong enough to take it and deal with it gracefully and not go totally off the deep end, because I have been taught who to rely on.  I have been taught that no matter what I am going through, someone else is going through something much worse.  I have been taught how to be strong, or even maybe just to seem strong.  I have been taught who to give all my burdens and sadnesses and disappointments to, someone who is always there, someone who knows exactly what I will be required to bear in this life and someone who has promised to take those burdens upon Him and also cradle me in His embrace when I most need it.

So you decide.
Am I always happy?
Do I always have a smile on my face?

Poetry inspired by this post (work in progress... may change... and hopefully for the better...):

Sometimes I wish I could just see me,

See the me I used to be,

Happy-go-lucky and carefree!

Whatever happened to that version of me?

Was that 'happiness' even really free?

I'll be happy again, just you wait and see!

After all, happiness comes from right inside me!

And I'm the only one holding that happiness key,

And I'm going to unlock it for everyone to see!

Teresa Jeanine

5/17/14