Each Life That Touches Ours For Good!

Isn't it amazing when you really, actually, meet someone you've already known for a long time.  What I mean is, you knew them, yes, but you didn't really know them, you never saw their inner soul or showed them yours.  It's so good when it happens, but then it's also sad because of the time lost where that connection didn't happen earlier.  I guess you just have to remember that everything that's supposed to happen, happens in it's own time; God's timing is always perfect.

I met just such a bright light a little over a year ago.  I had known her for probably 7 years, I had her son in my class even, but we just had a regular acquaintance-type relationship.  I ran into her out of our normal setting and that magical, guards down, soul baring experience was able to occur between us and I saw her in a different light and I saw her shining with God's light; although I know now that God had His hand in the whole event.

It came at a time when I was feeling especially hard on myself, wondering if anything I did would ever make a difference.  Wondering if I was good enough.  Wondering if I would ever be courageous enough.  Wondering what my purpose was and if I even had a purpose.  Wondering what was the use of always doing the right thing if those you were trying to be an example to, always ran as far away in the opposite direction as they could.  Wondering if anyone ever even saw me, saw my heart, would remember me; or was I just as invisible as I so often felt?

As I sat next to, and visited with, this amazing person we started talking about summer plans and how school was going for my former student, now in Middle School (where did the time go?!?).  She told me of some troubles her son was having and I expressed my disbelief at how cruel kids could be, especially to such a loving boy as her son.  I told how I always felt he was filled with love even from Kindergarten, I always felt his love, even for me.  She brought tears to my eyes when she told of her and his weekly ritual to help make it through the anticipated tough week ahead at school.  As her son would express anxiety of having to go back to school she told him, during his Sunday night prayers, to think of five people in his life who loved him to remind him that although there are those who were hateful toward him, there are always people who care about you and love you and want the best for you.  She went on to say that I, even after all these years, had often made it onto her son's list of 5.  She turned to me with tears in her eyes, as I wiped at the tears in my eyes, and with great intensity in her voice, looked me right in the eyes and said "Never underestimate your influence on the kids you work with!  What you do makes a difference in all of their lives."  This, after I had just been thinking I was utterly invisible, having no visible purpose, not really making a difference or even mattering; that the example I tried to show of values and honesty and morals apparently didn't show.  That's when I knew she was filled with God's love and He talked to her and had asked her to let me know something He wanted me to know.  Me.  Insignificant me had gotten a message from God!  It was an eye opening experience in more than one way.

It's very hard to find people like that in today's world.  I had given up on humanity a little, I think.  I had built walls against trusting people, because it seemed like you couldn't trust anyone without them one day turning on you and tearing you down with the very things they had once used to build you up.  But when she turned and talked to me with such intensity it was like some wall suddenly crumbled and allowed me to see the light shining so brightly within her, and I recognized that light, the bright shining light of God's love.  Something I foolishly thought couldn't exist in normal places.

That wasn't the only soul baring talk we had that night either.  As we talked about religion and the intolerance some people had toward certain ones she told me of a story that had happened between her and another teacher at our school who had ignorantly accosted her beliefs and how my new Hero Friend had stood up for her beliefs with her head held high, putting the other teacher in her place with firmness and grace.

I don't know if our talk affected her the same way if affected me, probably not..., but I knew some things that night because of running into her.  I knew I could trust her and she would never use anything I told her against me because she was filled with God's light and love.  I knew everyone has a purpose and as I drove home that night it came to my understanding that if you are doing your best and doing what you love you are fulfilling your purpose.  You may never see or even know what your purpose was.  It isn't for you to see sometimes, because your purpose is usually worked in the life of someone you met or interacted with; not in your own life.  You never know how the ripples you send out into the world affect the world, you just have to have faith that it does, even if you don't know exactly what you did, you did something just because you were living life to the best of your ability to influence the world in a (hopefully) positive way.

I am now blessed to call this former acquaintance a friend of mine.  I feel lucky to sit by her in church and bask in and soak up the light she naturally emanates.   I am honored to learn from her vast knowledge of The Savior and the scriptures; all through her personal relationship with Him.  I am in awe of her example of steadfastness in faith and courage, her diligence and strength to tackle any task head on, whether daunting or not.  I am strengthened by her sharing of testimonies and lessons learned and by her example of someone who isn't afraid to let her faith show.  She has had so many experiences of defending her faith that I am just floored at how she courageously always chooses the right way to stand up for God and then to teach others in a loving and graceful, but firm manner.

I hope to someday grow to be even half as good, strong and courageous as she is!   This song sums it up:

             Each Life that Touches Ours For Good
                               LDS Hymn 293

1. 1. Each life that touches ours for good
   Reflects thine own great mercy, Lord;
   Thou sendest blessings from above
   Thru words and deeds of those who love.
2. 2. What greater gift dost thou bestow,
   What greater goodness can we know
   Than Christlike friends, whose gentle ways
   Strengthen our faith, enrich our days.
3. 3. When such a friend from us departs,
   We hold forever in our hearts
   A sweet and hallowed memory,
   Bringing us nearer, Lord, to thee.
4. 4. For worthy friends whose lives proclaim
   Devotion to the Savior's name,
   Who bless our days with peace and love,
   We praise thy goodness, Lord, above.

Always Happy...Yes or No?

Do you think I am always happy?  Do you think I have a constant smile on my lips and a song in my heart?  Do you think I skip through a never-ending field of daisies in a white and flowing dress, barefoot, laughing?

Well, I am always happy.... but that doesn't mean I am never engulfed in sadness.  It doesn't mean that I don't cry out in despair.  It doesn't mean that I don't want to punch a hole in a wall sometimes.  It doesn't mean I never get filled with self-doubt and crippling anxiety.  It doesn't mean I don't feel like everyone hates me.  It doesn't mean that I don't just want to crawl in a cave and live there completely and utterly alone sometimes.

What it means is this:
             1.  That I try and think I'm a good actor and can turn on the happy switch at a second's notice and quell any tears that I feel might begin pouring out.  I've had a few people see beyond my smile, ask me something that I couldn't turn into something happy, and were graced with seeing my tears.  Tears are not my friend.  I hate to cry in front of people.  I remember reading about Indians when I was young and how the books said that Indians taught their babies not to cry because it was a sign of weakness.  I never wanted to be seen as weak and internalized that teaching that I wouldn't let anyone see me cry.  I used to be more of a pro at hiding my tears, but I think I'm turning weak...I cry at sad movies.  I cry when I'm moved in church.  I cry when saying goodbye to those I love after a wonderful visit.  I feel teary eyed when someone shares their innermost thoughts and, yes, their very souls with me in a heartfelt conversation.  I cry for people who's hearts are breaking and there's nothing I can do about it.  I cry about the evil and hate that is running rampant in this world.  Confession: I still only cry when no one else is there to see: at night during prayers, in a dark movie theater, watching TV alone, on long driving/thinking trips, while reading books.  I guess I'm turning into a big baby!  Or are tears healing?  Cathartic?  Cleansing?  ?  ?  ?

              2.  That I don't think anyone cares or wants to be burdened with my problems when they have enough of their own.  I think the only gift I have is my smile.  I've seen it help people forget their troubles and turn their bad day into a good one.  I never give a fake smile, I don't think anyway, I always smile with love and understanding and acceptance of the person I give it to.  My whole goal is to give a little joy to someone who can use it.  As Dolly Parton says, "If you see someone without a smile, give 'em one of yours!"  Ever since I heard her say that as  little child, I internalized that teaching and realized that it's a free gift but the repercussions are so rich!  It's a gift you can give without end; you never run out of smiles!  It's a gift that gives to others; when you smile at someone it usually results in them giving a smile to someone else, the ripples could be endless!  As for any burdens I may have, what's the use of telling anybody all about them?  The only one who knows how to help me is Jesus, that's all I need to give any burdens to and then He will help me to deal with them.  I've done this over and over again with amazingly miraculous results, He is so good!  Sometimes, you can't trust humans, they might someday turn on you and use your own pain against you.  I sang a song in church with a friend of mine when I was 9 called "Give Them All to Jesus."  As with everything, what I believe and internalized was taught to me in a song:

Are you tired of chasing pretty rainbows?

Are you tired of spinning round and round?

Wrap up all the shattered dreams of your life,

And at the feet of Jesus, lay them down.

Give them all, Give them all,

Give them all to Jesus,

Shattered dreams,

Wounded hearts,

And broken toys.

Give them all, Give them all,

Give them all to Jesus,

And He will turn your sorrow into Joy!

He never said you'd only see sunshine,

He never said there'd be no rain;

He only promised a heart full of singing,

About the very things that once brought pain.

               3.  That after I get out of my "unhappy mood" I realize that nothing that bad has ever happened to me, especially compared to what I've seen others go through and I realize that I am truly blessed and loved, what have I got to be unhappy about anyway?  Another thing I finally got really good at learning was the fact that other people can never be to blame for making you feel a certain way.  You make yourself feel bad by letting what people think of you, say about you, believe about you etc.  Letting all of that have power over you and your feelings.  That is no longer allowed for me.  I don't care what other people think about me, what I care about is what I think about myself.  I realize that it's the other person's problem and actually is most likely a belief they have about themselves and won't acknowledge so they try to take it out on the happy, smiley person who they see as weak with no backbone, someone who won't stick up for themselves.  It's always great to see that shocked face when you put one of those people in their place!  I always do it with grace and kindness but I am also firm and straightforward and let them know, in no uncertain terms, that I will not be treated that way.  Letting your peace be shattered by feelings of sadness, pain or insecurity is easy, it's learning how to shut it out that is hard.  You have to learn how to build that inner strength to know when you're letting those bad and depreciating thoughts come in to your psyche and then learn how to shove them in a box, duct tape the box shut with a thousand wraps, and then take that box, walk it to the edge of the world and throw it off into the abyss...after you do that, look up into the abyss.  What do you see?  I see Jesus with his arms held open wide, his love shining out from him like sunlight from the skies.  He gives me Joy again, and then I know everything will turn out alright, somehow, I just have to have faith.

               4.  The last thing it means for me is that I have faith that all the little disappointments, the little things that bring me sadness, the empathy I feel for the sadness of others, all these seemingly little things are teaching me how to deal, so that when a big thing does end up happening to me, I will hopefully be strong enough to take it and deal with it gracefully and not go totally off the deep end, because I have been taught who to rely on.  I have been taught that no matter what I am going through, someone else is going through something much worse.  I have been taught how to be strong, or even maybe just to seem strong.  I have been taught who to give all my burdens and sadnesses and disappointments to, someone who is always there, someone who knows exactly what I will be required to bear in this life and someone who has promised to take those burdens upon Him and also cradle me in His embrace when I most need it.

So you decide.
Am I always happy?
Do I always have a smile on my face?

Poetry inspired by this post (work in progress... may change... and hopefully for the better...):

Sometimes I wish I could just see me,

See the me I used to be,

Happy-go-lucky and carefree!

Whatever happened to that version of me?

Was that 'happiness' even really free?

I'll be happy again, just you wait and see!

After all, happiness comes from right inside me!

And I'm the only one holding that happiness key,

And I'm going to unlock it for everyone to see!

Teresa Jeanine

5/17/14