"Speak your truth.
I think it is really important to speak your truth."
I was just talking to my friend about how much I appreciated her never giving up at trying to explain her belief in church to me; even when I repeatedly and vehemently refused to even consider that church might be a good place to go or a good thing to have in my life. She would always tell me the blessings she associated with going to church and would state her desire for me to find that same blessing at church, "any church!" I finally realized, (yeah...two years later...) that she was very courageous and steadfast in her faith to put up with me all the times I told her I didn't believe in church or in going to church; that I believed God is with you everywhere you are because He lives within you. I know I frustrated her with how many times, and how forcefully I refused to even consider going to church. The one time I finally realized I was being insufferable to her and she was maybe on the brink of giving up was when the topic came up again while we were walking in Colorado. I don't remember what the exact topic was but I remember her frustrated reply: "Never mind! You don't understand!" I realized at that moment that maybe, just maybe, she might be right, and maybe I was being the one thing I always said I would never be--closed minded.
As I was telling her thanks for not giving up and keeping on talking about what she believed about church and every once in a while encouraging me to go to church, she said just what I needed to hear at this moment. She said she never looked at my rejections of church in that way, she just saw it as a need to speak her truth to me whenever the subject came up.
This has been the lesson I've been needing to learn lately, although I hadn't known it until she spoke those words to me. "Speak your truth. I think it's really important to speak your truth."
I've always been of the mind frame that people will believe what they want to believe and nothing you say will ever change their minds; so why even explain your thinking? Why not just live your life and let others live their lives as they will? If they want to know the reason behind why I do something I do, they can ask me and I'll tell them. Otherwise, I would not be offering unsolicited explanations.
So the other day I just felt like it was an all around bad day that kept getting worse. I know it was my fault because one of my strongest beliefs is that no one can make you feel a certain way, good or bad; you let yourself feel that way.
It all started when I went to go pick up a friend of mine who had to leave her car in the shop. I got there earlier than she had asked me to be there because I knew she was always early. The first thing she asked me was how I was doing. At that point I was fine. This friend is usually positive and open minded and a lot of fun. Today, though, she just brought a lot of negativity and I don't know where it came from. Before I could say "fine" she goes "I know you would like a coffee but you can't have one!" Making a joke about me having to get up early to pick her up. I laughed with her, maybe I agreed, playing along with the joke. After all I had told her previously how I felt about coffee. It was at this point that she really got her dander up about the "no caffeine thing" as she phrased it. I started telling her it wasn't about caffeine, I didn't think, because some people drink coke and that just amped up her dander even more. This roller coaster started going downhill faster and faster and it wasn't even 8 a.m. She "knew what it was all about, Did I want her to tell me?" Then she got into a rant about how the church owns stock in some soda company and how the church is very into making money then her rant went on into tithing and how the church "forced" her brother-in-law to pay tithing by making him a bishop and how she doesn't agree with that because some people cannot afford tithing, they barely make enough to live on. And all I could do was try and soothe her ire. I probably said something like "well, if you can't afford it, you can't afford it." I admit, I just tried to not give her anymore ammunition. Like I said, she is not usually like this and I was flabbergasted at the whole conversation.
I felt three things at this point... I think I kind of felt betrayed by a friend I had thought was accepting and open minded. I was also disappointed in myself for not taking the opportunity to "speak my truth" and tell her why I didn't want a coffee; how ever since I learned about no coffee, the craving stopped immediately; how I've been already blessed by paying my tithing and how I always have exactly what I need and more. I even began feeling like I was wrong about trying to live with and get to know people. I should just go back to me, my God, my family and that is it!
So, I layed low all that day. I didn't want to see her, talk to her, nothing... I made it through the day without running into her again until she was leaving. I asked to make sure if she needed a ride the next morning too, since she had told me the previous day that she would, and she took that opportunity to jump on me again! She said "No, I already asked {another lady we work with} because she's a bit more on the ball." I just turned around. Whatever, I had been there early that morning...lest you forget.
So I avoided her the next day too.
Then day three...Great...She asked me if I wanted to go to lunch like we usually always do. I'm too nice to think of a fake excuse so I agree to it. As I go to grab my keys and purse from my desk I stop and say a prayer. I asked that she would not spread her negativity about my religion today and if she did I prayed for strength to be able to voice my truth-my testimony- about the subject.
Luckily, the lunch outing went normally and stayed on a positive note, when OOPS! I mentioned how I had to go to church later, when she asked me what I was doing after work. She looked at me like she was going to go off in a tirade about having to go to church. I quickly jumped in, before she could say anything-"I don't have to go! I want to go. I love going to church, it brings me joy and peace and strength." She takes a deep breath and goes "As long as you get something out of it."
So I had this experience in mind for the rest of the week, trying to work up to being able to speak my truth, defend my actions, having to do especially with faith. I told my sister-in-law that I wanted to make her spaghetti casserole recipe but didn't have any sour cream. She goes "ummm, go to the store..." I go. "It's Sunday." And she starts out her next text with "no offense but" so you know she intends to offend...So she goes "What? you can't go shopping on Sunday, no offense but that is stupid." I was just going to be my old self, laugh it off, Ignore it and let her have her belief and keep mine but in light of recent events I sent her a big long, respectful text about how you can always do what you want to do, you have free choice but one of the suggestions for keeping the Sabbath Day holy is to not go shopping and I do try and keep that rule for me, it helps me to feel the Holy Spirit and helps me keep my focus on God all Sabbath long. I said sometimes you can't not go shopping, but that I wasn't going shopping that day.
She never responded but at least I spoke my truth, right?
Another experience I had because of the bad day experience was a great conversation about religion with my sister as we drove home together from California. There was a point at the beginning of the conversation where I almost gave up the courage and let the conversation die, but I remembered just in the nick of time to "Speak my Truth."
Speak your truth and don't shy away.
Be an example every second of every day
of letting others know who you are and why
you believe what you do.
For we make a choice every day from morning to eve'
what kind of person we'll be.
Will we stand by silently, never sharing
the truths that strengthen us and calm our storms?
Or will we be bold and strong,
climb that mountain and burst into song.
Finding our voices and sprinkling truth far and wide?
Spotlight's on, it's shining bright
And I like standin' in it
It's only superficial light
But I don't want to end it
It's warmth and glow has taken hold
And I'm caught up in it's shine
A Cinderella fairy tale
I want to claim as mine
Fancy clothes, a magic coach
And happy ever after
Like something from a story book
The Cinderella chapter
But when the clock strikes midnight
And I lie awake in bed
Things my Daddy told me
Keep running through my head
You gotta walk the straight and narrow
And to thine own self be true
Gotta aim straight as an arrow
All eyes are up on you
But sometimes it feels so good
That I can almost justify
Livin' a lie -- livin' a lie
Livin' a lie -- livin' a lie
Is it wrong for me to want
The sweeter grass that's greener?
To chase the all-American dream
I've always been a dreamer
At the top and still I've got
A heavy heart inside
I keep remembering
Things my Daddy told me as a child
You gotta walk the striaght and narrow
Gotta hold fast to the right
Gotta aim straight as an arrow
Walk onward toward the light
Oh, but when I'm out there in it
I think I might get by
Livin' a lie -- livin' a lie
But I don't feel right livin' a lie
Livin' a lie -- livin' a lie
All the fame and fortune
Glory and prestige
Can't make me happy if it goes
Against what I believe
And I've sacrificed my honor
My values and my pride
Livin' a lie -- livin' a lie
Livin' a lie -- livin' a lie
Livin' a lie -- livin' a lie
Livin' a lie
Lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie, I don't feel right
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